In this house, bacon is a hot commodity somewhere on par with precious metals & gemstones. Around here, a $6 pound of the crispy mouthgasm will disappear quicker than it took to fry it. Considering the risk of injury involved in cooking the holy grail, I am of the belief that more reverence should be paid.
JeezLouise - they are not starving in this house, but you'd never know it when you see one of my 'loved ones' throw me aside and inhale the Mapleleaf. Especially Him.
He sucks in air through his teeth while he's chewing because, in his unbridled enthusiasm, he literally scorches the inside of his mouth. You'd think that would be punishment enough, and yet I want to punch him right in the fucking head. There are days when I think I married stupid, and some days that I am convinced.
I thought I'd outsmarted him handily today though. Insomnia had me up and puttering way too early so before dawn broke in the East the pork was fired, drained, and packed away behind the 3lb tub of margarine in the fridge. But teeny, tiny little grease splatters on the stove raised his suspicions, and he sniffed at the air like he was on a truffle hunt.
I told him he was crazy. Funny how readily he accepted that explanation.
Oh, he'll have his bloody bacon alright - when I am damned good and ready to break it out & feed it to him.
Probably with a pitchfork.*
*Note to self: Rinse pitchfork before cleaning stalls.
The smell of bacon in the air is unmistakable, so I'm not surprised he came out sniffing!
ReplyDeleteOk so me telling you that we don't eat pork, not even bacon and I am in the South probably doesn't help huh?.. I used to eat it, like all good southeners until I learned some stuff that made it very unappetizing to me and the clan. So no more pork for us
ReplyDeleteBACON...BACON,BACON,BACON...(wagging my tail and sniffing the air with drool dropping on the floor and my shirt.) Love that stuff!
ReplyDeleteI can't believe you blogged about bacon today, since I am totally having it for my birthday brinner (breakfast for dinner) tonight. Yet another sign that I should eat more bacon.
ReplyDeleteyour too funny. I'd eat it all myself.
ReplyDeleteNothing like the smell of bacon cooked over a campfire in the woodlands... The stuff dreams are made of.
ReplyDeleteLove the comment of clean the pitchfork before cleaning stalls.
It's amazing how easily we can talk the opposite sex into anybloodything.
ReplyDeleteWe rock.
And you get to nibble, at your own leisure, the gold of the north, eh.
:-)
Enjoy.
That bacon bra makes me feel a little itchy.
ReplyDeleteA BLT is nice.
BlueViolet: He sure never sniffs at the air like that over my $100 perfume...
ReplyDeleteSWAngel: NOTHING you could ever say could stop US eating the other white meat. I won't hold it against you that you won't eat it; but you must admit, it does smell so good.
Coffeypot: Just like the rest of us, with the exception of Angel.
Miss Yvonne: Brinner - I like it.
Queen: Why do you think I hide it in the fridge - out of sight, out of mind.
Pixie: I wouldn't want to contaminate the bedding out there.
Jamie: Damn right.
Vic: I think it'd be more slimy than itchy, especially as it warmed up. Maybe they photographed her in a walk-in fridge so the bra didn't flat out melt off of her.
Mmmm...BACON!
ReplyDelete;-)
Anna
I actually quoted part of this to my wife this morning and she loved it. Great stuff, and yes, I heart the bacon. I heart it so good.
ReplyDeletei wanna meet the BITCH in that bacon bra and punch her in the face.
ReplyDeletethat is DISGUSTING.
i cannot BELIEVE she thought of that first and upstaged me.
Anna: I just crumbled up some bacon on my lunch salad. Mmmmmy goodness.
ReplyDeleteTravis: Well, I consider that the second highest form of flattery! Please, spread the word of the bacon army.
Kage: You WOULD look hot in that bra, but wouldn't the stage lights turn it rancid over the course of a 3 minute musical accompaniment?
Rancid bacon tits - still pretty to look at, but don't get close enough to smell it.
OH how I hate bacon under garments. They make me feel greasy. Also we call the ability to eat scorching bacon, lava mouth. It also happens with lasagna which I don't make since it costs me 50 bucks each time to make, we are kind of on a ramen noodles and potted meat budget for now, at least until we win the lottery.
ReplyDeleteOne, loved the bacon bra until you made the comment about it going rancid. Which then killed my appetite, so my ass thanks you.
ReplyDeleteTwo, I love Coffeypot.
Okay, have to retract...I love bacon. I'm off to score some now, in time to clear the air before I have to share it!
yeah, that bra is HOT!
Lady Gaga wore them under her meat dress right?
ReplyDeleteOk. There is NO way you could mask bacon fry smell. NO way. It lingers on for days. LOVE the smell of bacon. You know, we should wear that smell to bars. We'd be so popular!
I never met a man I didn't, at one time or another, want to punch in the head.
ReplyDeleteBacon. Mmmmm.
Peachy: Lava mouth; if He could wolf it down without the sir sucking thing maybe it would piss me off less. But I doubt it.
ReplyDeleteI think it's more the fact that he eats it so fast that he doesn't even taste the LOVE I put into making it... 'kay, I can't even finish that sentence.
He irritates me, therefore I get the urge to punch him. RIGHT in the head.
AA: Couldn't we just go out smelling like girls and carry a ziplock baggie of bacon and a roll of tape in our purses?
Then we could tape the open bag under our table and lure the animals without bathing in the bait. They might not know WHY they're attracted, they'll just assume it's because we have a great rack or a hot ass.
Laura: Ditto.
Thanks a lot! I enjoyed bacon until I saw it on a set of tits!!! LOL!
ReplyDeleteAfter not eating ANY meat for ten years, ya know what finally got me to crack?
ReplyDeleteDuh. Bacon.
Elaina: No worries, you'll only think about the bacon bara when it's RAW. Cooked, it's just food.
ReplyDeleteTulpen: Natch.
I love the smell of bacon and it is a good thing I do ......... we have hickory trees all over our property and burn hickory in the woodstove to heat our humble abode. Always smells like breakfast here. I do like to put a kettle of water on the stove with cloves and cinnamon to make him think I baked up a tasty treat, though.
ReplyDeleteSo that's really Victoria's secret?
ReplyDeleteI suppose that would be a great way to dump a vegan, or if you got tired of telling your vegan boyfriend you had a head ache.
Loved the post!
Kathy: I just looked on the package and the bacon (safely tucked away in the freezer) lists smoke, of course, but not what KIND of smoke. Frankly, I think that Mapleleaf bacon, and indeed all Mapleleaf brand smoked meat products, should rightly be smoked over maplewood. I have no basis for that opinion other than Canada, bacon, and maple trees just link up in my mind.
ReplyDeleteAnd now you've got me wondering if a hickory tree would grow here in the hairy armpit of the canadian prairies?
On my place we get enough heat to grow massive oak trees (my home province did not) but the trees on my property have been here for close to a hundred years according to the neighbour down the road whose family settled this particular rural area.
And the boiling spice pot? A *wonderful trick* for anyone selling their house, or to freshen the stale winter air while it is too cold to crack a window lest it freeze in the open position.
Rob: Vegetarian is only barely tolerated in this farming household; and by tolerated I mean we harass the shit out of anyone who follows this lifestyle but I will still cook a special meal if I am feeding one of them.
Vegan is just a dirty word here, hence the vegan wrangling which entails, upon hearing the declaration, giving them a running headstart while we saddle the horses, give chase, rope & hogtie the buggers, and force feed them bacon like geese destined to be foie gras.
My daughter flirts with the vegetarian lifestyle, but she doesn't talk about it openly anymore as she still has rope burns from the last time.