HBDC Roadtrip - Unscheduled Stop

4:35 A.M., Teulon Hospital Emergency Room

Holy Jay-zus, my head hurts and my mouth tastes like Narcan & charcoal... again. Why does this keep happening to me?

Oh yeah... I remember, but maybe now I wish I hadn't.

"Excuse me, Nurse? Do you know how much longer my buddy Crabby Steve'll be?"

"Hmmm? Oh yes, I do agree that the vomitting child trumps Crabby Steve's splinter. No rush with him, of course. I was just wondering because there's a busload of tourists waiting for me to get back to the farm, is all."

"Pardon me? How did he get the splinter? Hmmm? Oh, yes I suppose that 'splinter' might be understating it somewhat. Well, Crabby Steve had a little too much joy juice last night..."

"Hmmm? Well, yes - last night and this morning, technically, you're right. Anyway, he had too much of that homemade shit he makes in his horse trough when Dirty Wanda's off at one of her rodeos... hmmm? Oh yes ma'am, I know there's a distinct chance of going blind drinking his hooch (nodding sagely); that's why I stick to prescription medication and Silent Sam, myself."

"So Crabby Steve was fairly well into the bag when he started getting all moody as he is wont to do on occasion, you know Steve? Yes, I think he's a pretty frequent patron here."

"What upset him? I suppose it was the grinding."
"No, no, nobody's teeth. We had the pick-up pulled up next to the bonfire so's we could all listen to the 8-track you see, and The Trogs come over the speakers playing 'Wild Thing'. One of the guests, who kept yapping on about these little blue pills he bums off of Bob Barker, grabbed Dirty Wanda and started grinding on her. At first Crabby Steve didn't notice, but once Dirty Wanda started doing the 'butterfly' NO ONE could look away - it was like a train wreck in slow motion."

"Say again? Oh, yeah, Dirty Wanda has no business doing the 'butterfly' at all, granted, but these tourists know how to have a good time and they just got a refresher course in 'weird' while they were down in Portland, but that's a little off the track I guess."

"Oh yes, the splinter. Hmm? The shard, I stand corrected Nurse, of course that's a better word for a 2" x 9" flake of wood protruding from a guy's taint. It's called a what, now? Okay then."

"Well, when Crabby Steve saw what his girl Dirty Wanda was up to with that fellow from New York, NY he threw down his guitar and lunged at the guy. Of course, it wasn't so much a lunge as it was a lurch... and well, that's when he tripped over his own feet and fell into the woodpile there."

"What's that? Why do you need directions to the farm now, we're already here ??"

"Dirty Wanda and New York have had an incident involving scented candles, chocolate strawberries, a paper towel tube and a gopher, you say?"

"No. Way."

"Dammitall, we were supposed to be going on a little tour today!"

"...(sigh) North on 7, then 2 miles west on the market road, then 1 mile north until you see the flames."

No doubt this is going to throw off the bus schedule... (sigh)

"Umm, Nurse? Could I possibly get something for this migraine please?"